On the day I asked her to marry me.. we went to the races!
Shortly after she said yes, we were at the Flemington Speedway for a rescue squad standby. Quite sure a racing marriage got the green flag that day.
I knew right there that she was a keeper.
After 30+ years of marriage, I would like to ask you to indulge me a few moments while I talk racing and relationships. For the record, I let her read this and got the stamp of approval before posting. Smart on my part.
My sincere hope is that through all of the ups and downs, your lifetime of experiences you share with your significant other is one that you most covet.. no matter what happens on the way to, or on the way home from the track/race shop.
Racing takes determination and drive. That is exponentially harder to do if you don’t have the correct backing. The goal here is to get you thinking of that dynamic.
Support from family, spouses or significant others behind the scenes isn’t always a requirement, but it sure makes bad things better and great things incredible.
Many a movie has been made where the triumphant victor calls back home to share the news. By my estimation racing achievements are better when you have that someone to share them with.
Getting a handle on what matters
I’ll bet that if you took a survey around and asked racing teams what type of personality you will find most crew will tell you without hesitation that the spouse is not often a wallflower, but often exhibits ‘strong character’.
Racers need strong personalities – dreaming big with those you love is a thing in racing.
Each and every one of us has witnessed firsthand the wrath of someone who was done wrong on the race track. The scenario is playing out in all its glory in the infield.
Our adrenaline filled significant other is out to set the world right and making it known for anyone who is in ear shot.
When our biggest fan brings the inner dragon out, that little inner voice starts to objectively take stock in the consequences of the path taken.
Often, that is what it takes for our own anger to subside.
In an important way, the act of others having your back and offering unconditional support is sometimes enough to tamper down the ‘in the moment’ anger and often tunnel vision that blinds our decision process when things go so wrong.
Subliminally, we start to rationalize and diffuse the situation simply because harm (physically or otherwise) is not acceptable when it comes to our most important backer(s).
Hopefully, after seeing things get to a fever pitch we look around and stop before it goes too far.
That price is simply too high. Even in the face of the worst possible injustice, the sun will inevitably rise in the morning.
Then there are the times when our crazy just isn’t left at home 🙂 They will rue the day!
Costs and Returns
[This section is an actual lesson that I learned the hard way]
The loyalty isn’t free, and if you are doing it right, the price you pay better be worthy the support you are getting!
The mindset that you are important (in the pursuit) as a driver is one thing. If you are so laser focused on racing that you ignore completely the person who is supporting your endeavor; animosity will follow.
Why should they come to the track and join you in the trailer if when it all starts they are simply ignored by you. You may not even realize you do it, but that in no way absolves you of it. Read the room and act accordingly.
Apologies for things in the past are never a quality of a good relationship. Pay attention to the moment. Imagine being the person who is sacrificing to support you and being quietly disrespected for doing it.
At the very least this is an opportunity for you if you choose to show willingness to put in the work on your relationship by improving your priorities and paying attention to needs obvious or oblivious.
How you repay that loyalty could very well dictate life well beyond the racing world.
Pro Tip: Stop right now and consider that in the future there may be a request that you were not anticipating. Even if you agree in principal that the request isn’t a problem, your body language and response better be ‘going with the flow’ ready when it is time to respond.
Preparation for that moment is pivotal in showing maturity in your relationship and just might help it survive/flourish.
Take a minute right now and ask yourself how you would react if you were going to the track for a two-day event and they were going to the beach for a weekend with friends.
In your mind, you want to go to the beach so your face shows disappointment.
Actuality is that you are fine with it because hey, you get to go racing.
BUT.., that is not what your face says when the conversation is broached. Those couple of seconds while you recover from your unintended gaff are all it takes to shake your world and sour the momentum.
Race car drivers (let’s add race crews in here too) will find themselves in a much better place if they just anticipate some what ifs ahead of time.
Sacrifices, negotiations and surprises
If you want continuity, act accordingly and do things to help your cause.
Going to Bloomsburg Speedway? What could possibly be the downside of bringing your family along and heading to Knobles when racing is concluded. Woulda, coulda shoulda..
Next time you qualify well and the car all set have some camping chairs to sit on so you can eat some pretzels and you know.. just.. talk.
You know ahead of time that it is not going over well if you decide to go with your buddies to Short Track Super Series for the race on the one weekend off from the track when the garage door is hanging off its tracks.
Look around and make sure the hinges are still on the door and plan a workday to make sure your priorities are in the right order.
You would expect the same from them.
Even if you get in late late late.. a 9:30am breakfast followed by a trip to the brewery isn’t that taxing and will show that there is life outside of racing. Being social is probably the best way to show ‘it isn’t just all racing..’, especially if the friends are outside of your racing family. Ying and yang.
Typically during a season there is a rainout.
What if you had alternate plans already set to go?
Just think how many points you score for the forethought to turn the night into a memorable time and no one anticipated it coming – but you did!
Hold the presses.. nothing says: ‘It isn’t just about me’ like when you come home from the race day with a Martin Truex hoodie knowing that she is a huge fan. That is the kind of surprise she would not expect, especially if you are a guy and got the size correct.
In the beginning..
New partners make the world incredibly exciting. Birds sing, the sky is blue and all is right with the world.
Out of the gate, everything you feel and all of the newness will generally let unpleasant moments slide much more readily. When the new car smell fades the amnesty factor will surely lessen. It is human nature.
Both of you have a job to communicate collectively to each other ‘the vision’. You are your own team.
This most certainly should include what the commitment to racing is likely to be. And, just how much time investment is expected for you to be a competitor that reaches realistic goals. If you think you are the next Nascar star and that wasn’t made clear right after the first hello, It is probably a little late now.
You can bet that if the money that was going to the cruise to the Bahamas is sacrificed to the racing tire gods it better be for a championship. Racing can be just as bad as parking yourself on a bar stool if you over extend because of it.
Do not waste the newness of your relationship on doing things that are going to sacrifice the long term for something that seems so important in the moment. Sometimes the price is just too high no matter how you spin it. Call 1-800-Gambler if you know what I mean.
The joy of purchasing a shiny new iPhone xx is always exciting (and expensive). After two years of ownership, do you still feel that excitement or are you wondering why you were so excited.
Still an iPhone, but not quite as exciting as the day your unboxed it. I’ll wager it is the latter.
Having said that, I hope that shiny new couple is just as exciting two year down the road as it is in the beginning.
If you play your cards right, I’ll bet it will be! Life can be so rewarding.
SMH, I despise when people react to an announcement of a wedding or some other significant disclosure about a relationship with ‘so sorry for you‘ type of comments.
Not all of us have had the same experience in our relationships and your mileage varies depending on how hard you step on the gas or the brake pedal. Let it roll! Ignore the people who should be wishing you well but cannot rise to the occasion. Me personally, congratulations to you. Know that I would do it all over again and wish you the best. Done.
Now, go gather her up, get some music playing while you both go get that car ready.
Talk and dream about your future together while you wash the panels and change the gears.
Take the time to be with her and be in the moment together.
